Saturday, January 05, 2008

If Money Were No Object

There are many things that one could do if only money were no object. Among those many, many things, somewhere far down on my list of things, though still on my list, would be an endeavor to resurrect the local sports franchises--if only out of pity's sake.

I'd begin with the Minnesota Timberwolves, one of the sorriest sports franchises ever to roam the modern era. Off to a franchise-worst 4-28 start, the Wolves appear rudderless and adrift at sea, with a view from the bottom looking no more promising than a view from the woeful top. Out would go Kevin McHale and whatever incriminating material he holds on former owner Glen Taylor; out would go Randy Wittman and whatever incriminating material he holds on Kevin McHale; and out would go a draft philosophy that continues to pay but lip service to foreign talent.

In place of McHale, I would install the chicken who makes the rounds of the various state fair grounds, pecking out X's to match visitors' O's. While the chicken would not be counted on to make any startling moves, it also would not be counted on to make any startling moves. Handing McHale's figurehead duties to the chicken--ninety-percent of McHale's apparent current function--would settle one front-office position, allowing me to turn my attention to more important matters.

My next move would be to trade for the entire San Antonio franchise, straight up. Their franchise for our franchise. Why would San Antonio buy into this offer? Simple. Money. In a final show of respect to the hopeless Glen Taylor, who, for all of his faults, had the consistent decency never to fall back on the lament that the Wolves were in a "small market" and incapable of playing with the big teams in the league when it came to spending money for quality talent, I would sign a secret pact as part of the trade with the Spurs, lavishing the Spurs' ownership with billions of dollars once the deal went through. I would just have the good sense not to reveal the deal to any third party.

If money were no object.

Up next: If Money Were No Object, Part II. Plus, NFL free agency.

1 comment:

RM said...

Sad, isn't it? If only we hadn't made the Lakers rotate between the Armory, the Auditorium, and Hamline we'd have one of the most historic sports franchises playing in our backyard. It wouldn't have taken all the mythical money VG just spent. Thanks U of M, for not letting the Lakers play at Williams arena.